Checking on the twins

Photo by Misha Popovikj

1:15 a.m.: A woman joins the line at the checkout and I notice that she keeps looking down into her shirt.

I don't know if it's the switch to summer weather or simply the fashion of the times, but many of the women who've come into the store lately seem preoccupied with their breasts. It's amazing the number of women who have no compunctions about adjusting the ladies while fueling their cars, waiting to pay for Marlboro Lights or checking out the beef jerky.

I even had one woman who had Lil Wayne in her top ... she carried her cell phone in her brassiere.

But this woman is different. She isn't primping or plumping, she's peering.

Just as it was time for me to ring up her snacks, she says, "Oh, the blood stain is gone."

"Whoa!" I say, holding up my hands.

"No. No," she laughs. "I work at a nursing home, and one of the patients had a bloody nose and it got everywhere."

"I was truly frightened there for a moment."

"No, my boob's not hemorrhaging or anything," she laughs again.

Good to know. All I've got for medical emergencies are three-inch Band-Aids.

Wanted man

 Photo by Loren Javier

4:15 a.m.: A state trooper comes into the store and asks if I'd seen an out-of-breath man come in. Someone who wasn't driving a car.

When I say I hadn't, the trooper calls me out to his squad car and shows me a mug shot of a white man in his early 30s with stringy, dark brown hair and a pudgy face.

"No, I haven't seen him," I tell the trooper.

"Well, if you do, be sure to give us a call," the trooper answers.

"What did he do?" I ask.

"He ran away from something," he answers in the way that the authorities answer questions without answering.

About 15 minutes later, a city police officer comes in, asking the same questions.

Again, I say I hadn't seen the man. I tell him a trooper had also just been in.

"What did he do?" I ask.

"He fled from an incident," the officer answers without really answering.

The next morning, three different police officers come in for their free coffee.

"Hey, did you guys catch the fella you were looking for last night?" I ask.

"No, we quit looking for him," one of the officers replies.

"Gave you the slip?"

"No. We found out that he owned the property that he destroyed," the same officer says. "There's no law against wrecking your own shit."

"Why did he run?" I ask.

"He's on probation," one of the other officers answers, as if that constitutes actual cause and effect.

"I guess it's his prerogative to break his own stuff," I say.

"That's what happens when you mix drunk and stupid," one of the officers says. "But I bet he's regretting it this morning."

Wedding romance

2:30 a.m.: A minivan pulls up and three couples in formal attire spill out. I'm assuming they've come from a wedding

Two of the pairs head to the restrooms, which are along their own hallway at the back of the store. The other couple peruse the snack aisle.

While one of the couples waits in the hallway for an available restroom, the two start making out.

Eww.

C'mon people, you're within spitting distance of convenience store toilets!

Oh, well. I guess the moment was convenient.